Year Wrap Up

Dear Ones,                                                                                                                                           Dec. 2018

It’s been a very crazy busy year with a lot of changes!

I am still on the executive board over at PSP – doing fundraising. I’ve put on 4 different fundraiser shows and one was a musical review that I helped create! It was a lot of fun and has helped make some good cash for the theater. Our goal is to use the money to buy hearing devices so those hard of hearing can hear our shows better.

Early this year - my job of almost 4 years, office location was going to be torn down. They looked for a new location and found a place in Richmond, to which I informed them I would not be staying on. So it was a sad farewell to Swinerton Builders. I then started a new job right away with F. W. Spencer, which is another construction company. Also sadly –  I felt strongly I needed to move on.

In August I changed jobs again to where I am currently. Sett Construction. You guessed it – another construction company! Where I am now an office manager. It’s owned by a tech company so there is a great deal of that Silicon Valley vibe going on (a key phrase is Disrupt!). Things change daily around here, but the commute is good, and I like many of my co-workers.

Earlier this year my oldest nephew got married and I went down for a lovely backyard wedding at my brother’s house. Full of family and fun – they even performed “Who’s on First” (abbot and Costello style) a real Collett tradition. My second nephew also made me a grand aunt for the 2^nd time. Now I have 2 grand nieces! Our family is growing.

We also had a big family reunion celebrating Colletts, upon the 10-year anniversary of my mom’s passing. We ate traditional Collett family foods, played games and shared fond memories. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate being a part of our family. We should do it more often.

This year I turned 40 (if you can believe it) and I had several celebrations. My best friend from Portland came in and we celebrated with a big night in the city. Seeing a show, dressing up, and got a generous hook up by staying the famous Sir Francis Drake hotel in downtown San Francisco! Another night I threw a party at the theater where we played games and watched Up on the big screen and had all my theater friends there (about 20 people!). And on my actual birthday we did a quick in and out visit to Disneyland! Where 3 of my good friends came and we all shared a room at the Disneyland hotel where I got to stay for the first time ever. It was pretty amazing.

To top off the end of my year – I got a nominated for Best Leading Actress in a Play (Local)- FATHER OF THE BRIDE - Pacifica Spindrift Players! I was so excited! It truly is an honor to just be nominated. And if you are interested in voting – anyone can! You just go to their website and go through the categories and can vote for me. https://www.broadwayworld.com/san-francisco/vote2018region.cfm all you need is a valid e-mail address and a name.

So as you can see, it’s been an active year! Thanks for letting me share it with you.

As always – thank you for being a part of my life, and may your Christmas be full of love, joy, and peace. And may your New Year be blessed with new friends, new adventures, and new ways to find happiness.

 Much love and holiday cheer

Waiting for it

Death doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints,

it takes and it takes and it takes

and we keep living anyway.

We rise and we fall

and we break

and we make our mistakes.

And if there's a reason I'm still alive

when everyone who loves me has died

I'm willing to wait for it.

Wait for it.

I am the one thing in life I can control

I'm not standing still,

I am lying in wait

I’ve been listening to Hamilton a lot lately. And certain songs have been playing through my mind on certain days and today this song was in my heart. Well – this part of it anyway. Because I relate to it. It’s much more where my heart is and who I am. I wait. I don’t usually act rashly. And I wait. And wait. And I survive past those who loved me, and I’m trying to wait.

I have always been a slow bloomer. Everything happens for me on a slower time table. It’s just what it has been. But it fits my personality at the same time. I tend to try to be deliberate. I’m wailing to wait for things. But sometimes I must say – I probably wait too long.

I feel like I’m waiting for several things right now. One of them being a really big thing. Well… ok 2 are big but one is a pretty possible big life change. And I wanna prep for it, but I can’t do any more prep right now. I have to just wait. And the waiting is so difficult. I could prep – but honestly – I just want to know more before I do. So I can focus in on my prep better. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long. (months honestly). And it’s all I can do…. Wait….

I’m trying to survive in a world where so much is not what I expected, where so much is not easy to learn, where I make so many mistakes. I feel failure so often. It can be overwhelming. I didn’t prepare for all of this – and so some days I feel like I’m going by the moment just figuring it out. And sometimes I wonder if I have anything figured out – if I’m actually succeeding at anything.

So while I am waiting – I’m not. I’m trying. I’m trying to do what I can. I’m trying to become a better version of myself. I’m trying to be patient. And I worry about having hope. I worry about waiting in vain. Will it come to fruition? I don’t know. I really don’t know. So I keep going, and going. And I just try the best I can.

That’s where I am today. Doing what I can. Waiting. Missing those that loved me and died.

Birthdays Gone

July 27, 2018 

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was back in my childhood home. My home. My House. There was a party. I think it’s for me. My parents are there. Then I think - the party must be for them - coming back. They’ve been gone. Who knows why – but they’ve been gone a while. They are laughing and talking to people, and there is almost a small crowd around them. I walk up to talk to them.

I invite them to the family party that is going on the next night (tonight July 27^th, 2018), at my cousins home. A party in honor of me – and a significant birthday. A birthday that 10 years ago I knew you would miss. 11 years ago – I didn’t. A party that by all normal means you would be at. Actually – you would be hosting it in your own home. In our home. If things were normal. But they are not normal.

You say yes cheerfully. Yet almost distracted. I also bashfully ask if you want to come to my home afterward as well. Or sometime soon anyway. My current apartment I share with M. Because I want to share this with you…. Excuse me… with them…

They smile.

I wake.

I feel pain thinking and feeling this. I want to reach out and hug them. I want to hear them laugh. I want them to...... just be there. I want them to be a part of these important events. I want them to be there with my family. Our family. Laughing. Playing games. Being that part of my life - that I actually desperately miss.

The grief slowly washes through me and I’m helpless.

I can’t help but wonder if they will be there tonight.

Changes

So a lot has been going on as of recent. But the biggest thing of note is the fact that I have changed jobs. I’m on week three. And I have mixed feelings.

It’s not a bad place, the people generally seem since, and the drive is good. Not too far. I got a significant raise from where I was (which is great.). I’m not fully established into a routine yet, but im working on it.

I know. Small post – but it’s what I have time for at the moment…

2017 in review

So we are coming to that time of the year for evaluations (my own of course), resolutions, gifts, candy, celebrations and heartbreaks.

It’s been an interesting year that has brought with it all sorts of things I would have never predicted last January. A lot actually. Good and bad, scary and exciting, and a lot of challenges. Which is good in the sense that I know it helps me grow, but I’m not gonna lie – I would like a more mellow 2018.

Here is the Christmas Letter -

This year has flown by so fast, it’s hard to believe the holidays are already here! It’s been a busy year with Family and Theater!

The year started out with me being asked to fill in a space on the Executive Board over at Pacifica Spindrift Players. They wanted me to help out with Fundraising. I said yes, and when election time came in June I actually ran and got voted on for 3 years! I could hardly believe it, but I’m excited to help out in this volunteer position at a community theater that I am so involved with.

I also got to be in 2 shows this year at the same theater! Becky’s New Car (which I had a minor roll in) and the classic – Father of the Bride – to which I got to actually play the bride! It was a blast working with such talented people (not to mention being able to wear a wedding dress over and over again!) and finishing off the year with such a touching and fun show!

I became a Grand Aunt for the first time in Feb. when my Nephew and his wife had my Grand Niece – Sierra. And she is too sweet! I got to travel down to LA for her baby blessing and see so much family.

I also got to spend niece week in Disneyland this year

with my niece thanks to season passes we got as gifts!

We got to do all sorts of things I had never done there

before! It was a wonderful experience.

FOTB

There is a lot on my mind today.

Yesterdays performance was very emotional for me.

“It was always you. No doubt. You were born to play this part. I think this is the best I have ever seen you.” - Debi

“I think this is the best thing I have ever seen you do.”

Not only was it emotional because lets be honest, a fun show is over where I was a lead, and there is always a big let down from that. Because you never know when that is coming again. You may never be a lead in a show ever again. You just never know. And because it’s so wonderful and huge to be a lead. All the work, all the responsibility, all the opportunities to story tell, to feel, to give, to play. I love it so much.

It was emotional because I really loved this group of people. not a diva in the group. So sweet, so supportive, so loving. So fun and funny, so professional. I got to hang out with my friends night after night. So many people I got to work with I had never worked with before and so many I just simply love so much.

It was emotional because I got to go on this crazy journey while having all these crazy amazing experiences with my current NCMO buddy (For lack of a better name right now) at the same time, making it all more intense wonderful and just…. Currently indescribable.

It was emotional because of what the story meant to me. It was just a little chance, however small and imaginary, that I got to live and have these moments with my dad that I will never have. I will never hear these words from my father – “a few months ago you were a little girl, and now you are a woman.” “I’ll be there holding your arm and nothing is going to happen.” The chance for him to see me in a wedding dress, to walk me down the isle. To be there in a tux ready to give me away. I won’t ever get to experience that. And it is something I have cried hard about long before this play was ever in my sights. It was something tender and precious to my heart.

My father is just one of those subjects that can get me crying much easier than anything else. I miss him so much. It’s the biggest hole in my life. And it won’t ever be filled. He will always be missing. And that’s just a part of my life.

So I knew immediately that doing this show would be an emotional journey. One that would be difficult, one that would break my heart every night, but also therapeutic in a way. A chance to tell my dear sweet papa I love him. It was an opportunity to give this sweet love letter to him and in a way to let the world know how very much he meant to me. How special our relationship was.

little updates

I have a little bit of hope right now. Just a little… and it scares the hell out of me. I try hard not to have hope. Why? Because if things don’t go through – it devastates me.

Having hopes means having dreams. Which is scary. Dreams are very scary. I stopped overall dreaming a long time ago. Those have been crushed so many times I cant count.

And I know what you want to say. You want to say “nooo! It’s ok, they can still come true!” or “just alter them a little to fit your new lifestyle” or whatever. Yeah. No. some dreams… can’t come true. They just can’t. and others… well others im not even sure they are worth altering anymore.

But my current hope -  I would not say is based on dreams… cuz I don’t wanna dream. I just wanna get through some things. And so my hope is based on just not complete and utter failure. My hope is based more just simply on – I think I might be ok. I think I might be able to get through this.

And I think people might actually think I have talent. Like more than just a few good friends.

Im not talking a career or anything, but still.

And I think I might just have a little bit of sex appeal. In general I mean.

And I think that I might actually be a valuable part of a team where I can be productive and give suggestions and follow through on things. I mean I knew that, but still.

But despite all the stuff going on around me, all the stress and worry (of which there is a lot. Because I hate instability and honestly even change to a certain degree) im not feeling as bad as I could feel. And that’s nice, and refreshing.

I would like to forget more often what it is I’m stressing about, and I would like to get some more sleep (I’ve been terrible about sleep), but overall considering everything – my mood isn’t too bad. And that’s nice.

I’m aware that on the scale of updates this isn’t much, but I just felt the need to share it.