Friday, December 30, 2016

End of year thoughts

Well it’s been an interesting year. Despite the fact that a lot of celebrities have died this year, it’s been a back and forth year for me of stupid and awesome. Mostly in the – You have to move / find a new place to live. You get to star in a show! LETS DO IT AT THE SAME TIME!!

Consequently some of the goals I had for the year got blasted away. I wanted to work out every week, but honestly dealing with the move and trying to unpack and all the stress with that (which was a LOT of stress) and then being in a new neighborhood and figuring out how to work out that way – has caused the work out once a week goal to just fail.

I did however get bullshot done which is great, and I’m excited to get barefoot done too. A little worried what the footage may be like, but hey.

The weight thing is my biggest disappointment right now. I feel & look huge. It’s awful. And I know it’s bad for me to yo-yo on weight so much. But the stress of this year and trying to cope with it has been intense. Consequently living as clean as I can fell by the wayside in a super huge way this holiday season and so I’m still trying to recover and stop that. Although I’m waiting till I get back from my trip to Disneyland to really shape up.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Christmas letter 2016

Dear Ones,                                                                                        Dec. 2016

The end of 2016 is here, and time to recall the years events.

In late 2015 I learned that our landlord was going to sell the house I and my roommates were living in, so we were on the hunt for a new home. In the process I lost 2 roommates, but kept 1! It was quite the stressful experience, but at the end of March we found 2 great places that both wanted us! We ended up choosing a place in Millbrae that is a 2 bedroom apartment, and ironically almost right behind the apartment complex I used to live in when I was in Millbrae before.

This year I got cast in Barefoot in the Park by Neil Simon as the Lead – Corie Bratter! We performed in April (yes, while the move was going on) at Pacifica Spindirft Players. It was wonderful, and so so much work. I have never had to memorize so many lines in my life! I could not believe how much that girl talked! I had a total blast though, and am now editing the recorded footage to create a DVD for the cast and those who want a copy.

This year marked 20 years since I graduated from high school. And while I did not have an official High School reunion, I did attend a few events that felt like it. One was a party some friends threw as a reunion for their high school band, and another was a memorial service for my high school drama teacher. I got to see lots of faces I had not seen in years, and it was lovely to reconnect and reminisce.

I also got to go to Disneyland this year for the first time in 2 years! My brothers and I went and celebrated sibling day (even made up buttons at town hall)! It’s nice to revive some old traditions and spend time with family.

Thanks for being a part of my life, and as always, may your Christmas be full of love, joy, and peace. And may your New Year be blessed with new friends, new adventures, and new ways to find happiness.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

As always, I’m a lamp

                                                                                                                                                                                Feb 3, 2016

I know that these current feelings are being spurred on by stress. That’s the bottom line of this story. But regardless, it’s still happening. I can’t seem to stop the train. It’s emotionally wrecking me right now. But I’ve got to stop that. Or at least deal with my problems/depression better for M’s sake.

Anyway, I naturally have been comparing myself to other women’s bodies as of recent. (Well I always do, but it’s been a focus lately.) And not even other women in the media, but women I see and know in real life. (Namely women at the theater.) And I just can’t help but feel fat and unattractive compared to them. Especially coupled with my talent level (I can’t sing or dance, or even flirt well), and the fact that I have put on some holiday weight which is terribly difficult to get off (because hello I’m 37). I really would like to lose 10 pounds before the show opens and 1 inch off my waist (so some pants are wearable again for the show). But who knows if I will be able to do it. Although my current discouragement has been helping kill my appetite. Since I know I can’t eat any of my comfort foods anyway.

So I look at these women who have cute shapely hips and a tiny waist and lovely skin with big grins and nice hair and I just feel so…. Inadequate. Like – “who on earth would ever be even remotely attracted to me, when there is that out there?” And of course the answer is…. “No one is you dummy.” And it’s not even a new answer. It’s an old answer I’m used to dealing with. I just hate the answer is all. Because no matter how hard I work, I can’t seem to change the freaking answer.

I don’t know what I was thinking… Actually I do. I was just wanting a little… wanting. A little flirting. A little ego boost to my stressful situation. Someone who might have thought I was a little bit cool or maybe even a smidgeon cute and just showed a bit of interest so I could feel good about myself. At least for a little bit of time.  So that sweet serotonin could get me though some of this moving nonsense.

I learned a very simple but obvious fact years ago. A sign that most women don’t recognize. It’s this: if the guy isn’t asking any questions about you – he just isn’t interested. If you ask things and talk to him, and he talks back, but just does not seem interested in continuing the conversation – he just isn’t interested. And there you go. He’s not attracted to you.

I’m a lamp all over again. And I hate how that feels.

I seem to be an acquired taste. It’s basically never upon first meeting me that I am found interesting or awesome. It always seems to be after years (or at least a year) of knowing me. It’s because on a superficial level I’m not interesting, but on a deeper level I am.

But it is what it is. I can’t change it. M says now I need to be either mysterious or easy. That’s the only other 2 methods to get the attention of men. And I hate that he’s right. Because I’m not either of those things. So what it means is – I need to be cool with being a lamp.

M said a wall, but I would rather be a lamp. They do a good job making the other girls look pretty.

Anyway I’m just feeling low this morning because of all this. Well, this, the move, and my parents being dead. But why focus on those other things and be overdramatic….

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve


Naturally, I am reflective this morning. A new year will begin in less than 24 hours.

I’m feeling all sorts of things. Anxiety, excitement, sadness, happiness.

I want a lot of things for next year, but right now I think my biggest focus is health. I want to be healthier.

This isn’t to say I haven’t made great strides in the last year, I have. I have come a long way to eating better and working out more. And I really want to continue that. In fact, I want to do even better. I want to try to minimize my sugar consumption even more. I want to try and work out on a semi regular basis. And I really want to get 2” off my waist. Partially for narcissist reasons – but really, because I want to hit the bare minimum for keeping me out of the danger zone for diseases. I don’t want to do what my parents did. And I need to take better care of myself if that’s what I want to do.

I’ve been more emotional as of recent, which is extremely annoying since I can’t fully explain why. It could be the holidays, it could be PMS (which I am never a fan of using as an excuse), it could be me consuming more sugar that I have been used to and it throwing my system out of wack. Or it could just be all of that combined.

I just know I’m worried about some things. I’m worried about my health, I’m worried about M’s health, I’m worried about the entire months of March and April and finding a place to live - while I star in a show. In fact, I’m totally freaked out about it. And the part I am THE MOST scared about? Finding the right place. When will I have time to look? Will I be able to find a place M and I can afford and be happy in?

Naturally I had another dream last night about the old house. Walking around the neighborhood and trying to look / sneak in. it’s interesting how I always seem to know in my dreams someone else lives there. But I’m always trying to go back in regardless. Man I miss that house. And I’m angry we don’t have it anymore.

I don’t want to move. I like our house. But I know we won’t have a choice short of a miracle. And I know I have a lot of stuff. Stuff I still am trying to get rid of and sort through. Stuff that will need storing. And I know M is not happy about that. But sadly he is stuck with me, and that’s part of my baggage. I’ve gotten better, but there is still progress to be made.

I’m scared of the future. But I always am. So I gotta focus on preparing. Doing what I can to get ready and just really really hope for the best.

I want to enjoy this weekend. I intentionally took off Monday so I could focus on relaxing and playing all weekend long. I need it and deserve it. I’ve gotten better this year. I’ve been in 2 shows, I’ve worked steadily (and even got a raise!), I’ve passed my notary exam,  I’ve started walk running and been even better about what I eat. I deserve a reward.

So I need to stop focusing on what will be happening in 3 months. I can’t do much about it anyway, and I know I will spend extra moments in January working on getting rid of stuff and getting ready. As well as working on lines for the play. In fact, I feel like that is what the focus of the first half of the year will be.

Ok so – Good job! Party and celebrate the close of 2015! Stop thinking about doom and gloom. Be positive, your life is pretty awesome right now. No future thinking this weekend! Only NOW! YEAH! And go play with your new toys!!!! J

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

November Thoughts

So, I feel the need to vent some of my thoughts and concerns that are constantly in my head at the moment. The kinds of thoughts and concerns I don’t want to vent to everyone, so ironically I will do it here on my blog.

Why here? Where theoretically the entire world can see it? Well, the entire world won’t see it first of all - since no one really reads my blog. And because in many ways this has become my journal. At least my way to keep track of some months passing (although I missed October sadly because of how busy I was with Bullshot. Update to come for that.) , and if nothing else, it is for me to reflect on later.

So recently I got cast in Barefoot in the park. Wait a minute let me re-says this. I GOT CAST AS THE LEAD IN BAREFOOT IN THE PARK. This made me smile and make silly noises on the way home from callbacks. (yes, after callbacks. They finished callbacks and posted a piece of paper with the names on it right there!!)

Monday, August 3, 2015

August is here

I can’t really explain it, but I’ve not been in the best of moods lately.

Well, I suppose I can guess as to the many reasons why I feel this way right now, but I can’t pin down exactly what it is that seems to be under my skin. I need to be counting my blessings, not be disgruntled about other things.

For one (and this is a reason I hate using, but the reality is it does affect my hormones, which are a part of what affects one’s emotions.) my Lady time started recently. So my guess is, it has my emotions swinging about. I view this as just an amplifier. Making all the emotions I have normally, more crazy.

I’m working hard on losing weight. Genuinely hard. I have cut out sugar, except from fruit. I don’t even put juice in my smoothies anymore. Not that I consumed sugar all the time, but still. This is not an easy thing to do by any means from someone who loves sugar as much as I do. And I’m sure I am going through sugar withdrawal. It’s really hard to resist that piece of cake, or those chocolate covered samples of whatever at the store. But I have been. It feels like forever, but I think it’s only been about 2 weeks.

I’m working out more which is good, but also tiring. And whenever I’m not on track the whole time, I kinda beat myself up pretty hard about it. Likewise I am beating myself up about being as overweight as I am, and that my belly is not getting smaller. I just think to get my belly the way I want, I may have to work at this for 3 years or so, really hard. M put that thought in my head, and I don’t think he’s wrong.

I’ve been a little grumpy with people lately. M’s son got a little of that the other day. I felt bad about it later. It came out differently than I meant it to. And honestly I’m such a nice person normally, that it was very out of character. I’m still feeling bad about it.

Yesterday – August 2nd- was the anniversary of my father’s passing. Which of course brings up all kinds of feelings. Anger, sadness, etc. I thought about how I still have 3 of his suits in my closet that I can’t bring myself to get rid of. How I have clothing in M’s closet I can’t seem to get rid of.

It also brought up the condo I wanted to buy so badly, and how even with a big down payment, I still could not buy it without having a job that paid $20 an hour. Which I STILL don’t have. And how that means I will never be able to buy a place in the bay area. I let go of so much letting go of that house. Never being able to have a home of my own, never raising a family there, probably never having children, and more than likely, never getting married. It’s a lot to embrace when it’s what you wanted from such a young age.

And missing my dad just got to me Sunday morning and I ended up crying in the kitchen. M hugged me, and when my other housemate came downstairs (we will call him Jar since his name starts with an M as well) he came up from behind and hugged as well, which was very touching and sweet. Not a typical occurrence in our home. But so nice that it happened.

I still feel kind of disgruntled. I spent waaaay too much money on candles last night. More than I had planned honestly. But I was buying gifts (which granted took up maybe about a quarter of the cost of it all, but still. I should not be spending so much money on candles. Despite my love of them. And despite the fact that I am running lower on certain ones. I really just wanted to refill for seasons other than Christmas and the fall, which is what the majority of them are.

I should have done things with M sooner in the day and did not. I just feel like I failed all over the place this weekend. I think the bottom line is – I’m more disappointed in myself for not being better. For not making more money. For not being thinner and healthier. For not being stronger. I need to sell more things on the side and make more money.

My anxiety seems to be taking a roller coaster approach to life right now as well. I can’t fully explain why, but I seem to be so worried about everything. I’m pretty over this sensation. But it just seems to keep going.

I suppose part of the lesson in all of this is I need to forgive myself more. I don’t know though, I’m pretty annoyed I felt the need to spend so much money and that I haven’t been as nice as I should be, and that I haven’t lost more weight by now.

I will say though, I’m glad I have not spent time escaping into food like I would normally. Mostly sweets. It’s good I’m holding back on that. I did have a hamburger though, and that was nice and tasty. No mayo or ketchup. Just burger, tomato, bun. I’m trying to be low fat as well, and have almost no carbs, but this I just kind of needed.

I’m hoping for a better week this week. We start rehearsals for bullshot, and I am looking forward to that. It should be a lot of fun. I just want to get my lines down ASAP. I suppose I’m putting needless pressure on myself. Nothing is on fire. I need to stop freaking out about every little thing right now.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Birthday 2015

So my birthday came after a lot of activity in my home just before. I was ready to just mellow out and have a proper vacation from all the insanity that is the 4th of July for my family. I mean, that holiday is as big as thanksgiving for us. Huge holiday.

Which is the only disadvantage of my birthday being when it is. It comes right after a big holiday. Which when I was younger wasn’t a big deal, but now it’s more of a hassle simply because I need to entertain guests for so long before my birthday and it wears me out in a big way.

So the Monday before, I was worn out, but actually worked. My body was still sore from the 4th of July. But Monday night I spent the evening cleaning up. I just didn’t want a messy kitchen or messy room or messy living room bugging me on my birthday. I wanted all house chores settled and taken care of before I celebrated my birthday. So I stayed up past midnight cleaning and organizing.

On my actual birthday I took the day off. And I was able to relax by myself at home, which was awesome. I got pizza from Zorbas (small pesto & pineapple) and got myself a smoothie from Jamba.

M woke me up early (when he left for work) and he gave me an IPad for my birthday (he also gave me a huge chunk of money to help pay for my trip to Colorado. Which was very kind) which was pretty awesome. I played with it some. Downloaded a bunch of games onto it, but I also watched “So I married an Axe Murderer” while eating pizza and just relaxing. Plus I got some Hagen-daas ice cream to enjoy as well (chocolate and peanut butter thank you very much. SO GOOD!) . I played “Gat outta Hell” on my Xbox some and had a fire going in the fireplace and well as candles lit in the house. It was really nice me time.

I also got assorted gift cards from my brother and his wife and family (along with see’s candy), my aunt and uncle, and a very long time family friend.

I started Back to the future. Then M got back from work and we hung out some. Then I started to get ready to go to dinner with him and the boys. I got dressed up some and we all went to the Fog City Diner for dinner. M and I took BART to meet them there and we were running a little behind so we took a rickshaw bike ride from BART to the restaurant. And we were there with plenty of time. Thanks to M who paid for it.

The food was quite tasty and we ended up getting 4 glasses (because they were pretty cool looking. $15 for a pair. No too bad.) And once again, M footed the bill. Which was very sweet of him. We then went home and I opened the gifts from the boys (a purple Chrome Xbox 360 controller and some candles that have a ring hidden in them! Super cool. I loved it!! Along with some purple stoneware little bowls, and a book on CD.). So sweet of them to gift me.

And then I was super tuckered out and ready for bed.

Friday (the 10th) I had a party planned for myself. Pizza and Pajamas themed. I didn’t have a huge crowd invited, but big enough. (about 12 or so were invited? 10 came.) I picked up a few prizes for playing Let’s make a deal again (like last year) and I worked on Dianna trivia (which was no easy feat coming up with 60 multiple choice questions. Which each included a bonus question. All about me.). I also pre-ordered a cake for myself from Mazetti’s bakery with purple whipped cream frosting, chocolate cake (which had chocolate chips in it) and chocolate mousse insides. I just didn’t want to bake my own cake, and was willing the foot the bill this time around. 

I cleaned up from my birthday and vacuumed and brought up needed props in preparation for the party.

The first few guests arrived and we waited for a few more in order to start the first game. The pizza lady got a little confused about where to deliver the pizza but eventually figured it out. I then let people Know we could play the game and eat pizza! (I ordered 4 pizzas. 3 XL’s and 1 large. Pesto & Pineapple (which went over real well, because hello it’s the best) , Pepperoni, Hawaiian, and Supreme in Zorba’s version. This was a lot of pizza. And I asked If I could get 3- 2 liters of soda for free with the order. Thankfully they said yes, and then soda was covered as well!)

The game was Japan World Cup 3. Which if you don’t know what it is, well, you should watch it on you tube. It’s bizarre. It’s a bunch of strange horses racing. I had everyone pick a card and that was what horse they rooted for. Pretty awesome actually. It was great for those in the group who didn’t want to play lots of games. All they had to do was watch and cheer. And with each winning horse, we played let’s make a deal with the winner. Lots of fun. Went over well.

I had fun prizes from -  $5 gift certificates to places, Candy from Trader Joes, to gag gifts from the $1 store like “tea with the queen”( kids tea set) and “new glasses”(slinky eyeball glasses). I think it went over well.

Then we moved the game to play Dianna Trivia which we broke into teams. The Bearded Bards, Barrel Horse (a reference to Japan World Cup 3), And Purple Spackle Bots. I loved the names they came up with! So fun!

We played that for a while and then took a break to have cake and open presents. But for the winning team, they got to play let’s make a deal yet again. One last time.

Then we had cake and did presents. I actually told people to just bring their lovely selves and not worry about gifts, but regardless, gifts happened. I got Snake Oil (a pretty cool card game like apples to apples except you have to sell the product combination), A nice bottle of Olive oil and a strainer for a frying pan (because you’ll LOVE it!), a GC for Amazon, Candy in purple mason jars with a GC to Target. It was pretty awesome.

Some stayed after for a while. We had a cool group that stayed around pretty late going over the rest of the trivia cards and hanging out. And then eventually it ended up just A and I hanging out till 2 am! She spent the night in order to go to bed bath and beyond in the morning.

All in all I think it was a great success. I had a good time. A fun group was there and a really fun way to celebrate my (37th… whoa) birthday. J It was some work to put together, but worth it for all parties sakes. What a great group I had to Party with.

I’m sharing the candy & pizza love at work. I did eat a lot of the left over cake though….. soooo tasty! And I’m fairly pleased with the results of the day and weekend. Sadly now back to normal un-birthday life….