Waiting for it

Death doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints,

it takes and it takes and it takes

and we keep living anyway.

We rise and we fall

and we break

and we make our mistakes.

And if there's a reason I'm still alive

when everyone who loves me has died

I'm willing to wait for it.

Wait for it.

I am the one thing in life I can control

I'm not standing still,

I am lying in wait

I’ve been listening to Hamilton a lot lately. And certain songs have been playing through my mind on certain days and today this song was in my heart. Well – this part of it anyway. Because I relate to it. It’s much more where my heart is and who I am. I wait. I don’t usually act rashly. And I wait. And wait. And I survive past those who loved me, and I’m trying to wait.

I have always been a slow bloomer. Everything happens for me on a slower time table. It’s just what it has been. But it fits my personality at the same time. I tend to try to be deliberate. I’m wailing to wait for things. But sometimes I must say – I probably wait too long.

I feel like I’m waiting for several things right now. One of them being a really big thing. Well… ok 2 are big but one is a pretty possible big life change. And I wanna prep for it, but I can’t do any more prep right now. I have to just wait. And the waiting is so difficult. I could prep – but honestly – I just want to know more before I do. So I can focus in on my prep better. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long. (months honestly). And it’s all I can do…. Wait….

I’m trying to survive in a world where so much is not what I expected, where so much is not easy to learn, where I make so many mistakes. I feel failure so often. It can be overwhelming. I didn’t prepare for all of this – and so some days I feel like I’m going by the moment just figuring it out. And sometimes I wonder if I have anything figured out – if I’m actually succeeding at anything.

So while I am waiting – I’m not. I’m trying. I’m trying to do what I can. I’m trying to become a better version of myself. I’m trying to be patient. And I worry about having hope. I worry about waiting in vain. Will it come to fruition? I don’t know. I really don’t know. So I keep going, and going. And I just try the best I can.

That’s where I am today. Doing what I can. Waiting. Missing those that loved me and died.