Birthdays Gone

July 27, 2018 

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was back in my childhood home. My home. My House. There was a party. I think it’s for me. My parents are there. Then I think - the party must be for them - coming back. They’ve been gone. Who knows why – but they’ve been gone a while. They are laughing and talking to people, and there is almost a small crowd around them. I walk up to talk to them.

I invite them to the family party that is going on the next night (tonight July 27^th, 2018), at my cousins home. A party in honor of me – and a significant birthday. A birthday that 10 years ago I knew you would miss. 11 years ago – I didn’t. A party that by all normal means you would be at. Actually – you would be hosting it in your own home. In our home. If things were normal. But they are not normal.

You say yes cheerfully. Yet almost distracted. I also bashfully ask if you want to come to my home afterward as well. Or sometime soon anyway. My current apartment I share with M. Because I want to share this with you…. Excuse me… with them…

They smile.

I wake.

I feel pain thinking and feeling this. I want to reach out and hug them. I want to hear them laugh. I want them to...... just be there. I want them to be a part of these important events. I want them to be there with my family. Our family. Laughing. Playing games. Being that part of my life - that I actually desperately miss.

The grief slowly washes through me and I’m helpless.

I can’t help but wonder if they will be there tonight.