G: Hi
D: Hi.
G: So we’re here huh?
D: Yep.
G: Were you expecting anything?
D: Not sure yet.
<Pause>
G: Ok I’m gonna be honest with you here.
D: Yeah?
G: There seems to be a few things standing in our way.
D: Agreed.
G: My age being one.
D: Sorry.
G: Hey I get it. It’s a big age gap. Makes you feel like
a creepy old lady.
D: (shame face) yeah….
G: It’s ok. It’s an issue, but honestly in this realm, it
shouldn’t matter too much.
D: True. True.
G: Also, you don’t actually know me very well yet, so
setting up the proper situation is difficult.
D: (Sigh) Also true.
G: So it’s hard to imagine how things might possibly evolve,
when you’re not even sure where to start.
D: Yes.
G: But isn’t that the fun part of this? Creating new
possible scenarios of where things could happen?
The spontaneity of it?
D: Naturally that is part of the appeal.
G: But you’re also sleepy and restless.
D: Yeah that part is very annoying right now.
G: You might also be caught up in thinking I’m probably
not interested in you in real life.
D: Yeah I think that is also getting in the way of our
imaginary making out.
G: Understandably really. It might even be the biggest
obstacle.
D: Well that and the sleepiness. That’s really underrated
in American society. I watched a documentary on it a while ago and how much it
affects us. I mean, I knew it was a problem, but wow. Do we need sleep!
G: Yes, I know…
D: Right… of course you do.
G: We could pretend you look like someone else…
D: No! Then I would just be bumming myself out more. I
don’t want to imagine some other girl making out with you, I want to imagine myself making out with you. Hello?
That’s why we’re here. Well that and I wouldn’t mind imagining the
circumstances leading up to said kissing simply because I’m a girl, and I like
that kind of schmaltz.
G: Hey!
D: What?
G: I might like schmaltz. I’m a guy.
D: Very true. I don’t know that about you yet. You may
very well feel that way.
G: I might also be gay.
D: This is also true. And a little bit of a bigger
bummer. I kind of doubt it though.
G: Why do you say that?
D: Because I saw the way you looked at R last night.
G: Uhh… (nervous movement) what are you talking about?
D: Oh, you got it bad buddy.
G:Nooooooaaaybe.
D: Seriously. I saw the look. I think that’s also
hindering our little moment in the sun here.
G: Moment in your mind you mean.
D: Whatever.
G: Ok, so how do we get past this?
D: I’m not sure.
G: I mean, at least I’ve talked to you a little bit. I’ve
even hugged you of my own will. Twice.
D: True. You have not behaved like a jerk.
G: (smiles) If I had, would you be more attracted to me?
D: No.
G: Oh.
D: Not my thing.
G: Got it.
D: Actually I dig the whole nerdy dorky vibe you got
going on. That’s honestly why I’ve been attracted to you. I seem to have a
thing for brunettes in glasses. Although, I’m not gonna lie, when I saw how
tall you were, that was a little bit of
a problem.
G: Well I am pretty young.
D: Shut up. You’re done growing. You’re not that young.
G: I might be a little bit defensive about it. My height
I mean…
D: Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.
G: That’s ok. Wanna hug it out?
D: Very funny.
G: Well, I am awkwardly charming.
D: After all, we have established so far that I am
attracted to you, but pretty sure you are not to me…
G: Well there is that. I mean, you are old.
D: I am not old. You don’t even know how old I am!
G: I could guess…
D: Have you Facebook stalked me?
G: Probably not. Because I’m a guy and we don’t do that,
and I’m not super attracted to you sooooo…
D: See what I mean? So there ya go. You don’t know my
age.
<Pause>
G: Wait…
D: What…
G: Have you Facebook
stalked me?
D: …………….maybe a little.
G: A little?
D: Well your profile is pretty private. And no blogs or
anything. So there wasn’t much to stalk. I mean, I learned only a smidgeon more
from your bio for your show.
G: We didn’t have those preview night.
D: Yeah I know.
G: You grabbed one just to read my stupid little bio?
D: Ugh, yes. I would much rather just have a conversation
with you in real life over like… a bad Denny’s dinner or something. You seem
cool, and I would like to get to know
you more. But I’m not dumb. I know how this all works. I’m unattractive, and
I’m old, and…. I don’t know. Lame?
G: No, you’re not lame.
D: Thanks. I guess.
G: I think it’s cool you have an Xbox and play video
games.
D: Have you noticed the shirts I’ve been wearing?
G: What shirts?
D: That answers my question.
G: Sorry. I’ve been distracted by your big ole belly.
D: Ouch.
G: Hey it’s the kind of thing you know I’m thinking but I
would never say cuz it’s mean.
D: True.
G: I certainly don’t have that problem. (taps belly)
D: Because you’re so petite.
G: Hey.
D: Look I was trying to appeal to your nerdy side since I
can’t appeal to the sex appeal side! Since we all know… I have pretty much no
sex appeal.
G: That angle does seem to make sense. But maybe you’re
too subtle.
D: What do you mean?
G: I mean wearing a T-shirt and bringing a bag with a
video game reference on it, might just be too subtle for me.
D: How do you know about the bag?
G: Because I’m in your brain! Not because I actually
noticed it! Don’t get overly excited.
D: Right sorry….. I just feel like I keep acting like a
dummy in front of you. Like how I would just not stop talking in front of
everyone the night we did the table reading, and how I can’t seem to see my
freaking lines on stage during rehearsal. I just keep messing up everywhere.
That’s what I hate when I’m attracted to someone. It’s as though so many of my
lame qualities come bursting forth. And none of my cool ones seem to show up.
G: Everybody does that.
D: Sometimes I just wish I was A sexual, ya know? As in:
I’m attracted to no one. Ugh it would make many things in my life way easier.
G: But wouldn’t it be a bummer?
D: Not at this point in the game. I’m over romantic
feelings.
G: Oh come on.
D: Seriously.
G: The thrill of a first kiss? The excitement of learning
new things about someone you’re attracted to?
D: Granted, all of that is nice, but that’s never where I
really reside. You know where I reside?
G: Uh oh.
D: Uh oh is right. I reside in the land of unrequited
love. Of not getting first kisses anymore, or someone being attracted to me.
That just does not happen. And because it just does not happen, I would prefer
to not stay in the one sided love affair land. It just hurts. The thrill and
excitement is not there.
G: <Sigh> Which is why you are here.
D: Exactly.
G: You’re aware you’re kind of killing the mood here by
going off on your “unrequited love” tangent.
D: Sadly yes I know that too. I’m killing the mood in my
imaginary circumstance.
G: I think that might make you more lame than having a
daydream about me in general.
D: That’s fair.
G: Ok, so let’s change this up then.
D: Ok. No more buzz kill. I’m up for suggestions.
G: Let’s go to a café in Paris.
D: Paris? I mean. That’s pretty impractical. And not to
mention I have no real concept of Paris other than movies from the 1950’s….
G: Sorry. I was trying to be schmaltzy.
D: I appreciate that.
G: Ok let’s go more local, how about that? Let’s try for
something “realistic”.
D: Hey… were the air quotes necessary?
G: Yes.
D: Fine.
G: Ok. Let’s try one you’ve tried before.
D: Ok that sounds good.
G: Wait you’ve tried this before?
D: Clearly you know that.
G: I mean, I know I know that, but it’s still surprising.
I think we are assuming that I don’t think that you think of me that way. So to
think you have actually imagined other scenarios before is a little surprising.
D: Yeah well, things are slow at work.
G: Suuureeee they are….
D: Moving on.
G: So, we see each other, (rolls eyes) and you know a fun
little secret that I have given in confidence to a mutual friend of ours.
D: Which is….
G: You know what it is.
D: I know but it’s my fantasy and I want to hear you say
it.
G: <sigh> Fine. The secret is… I may have had a dream
about you…
D: <grinning> What kind of dream?
G: A dream that might be, just a bit, sexual in nature.
D: And where did your dream events take place?
G: <Sigh> In the building you are imagining us in
right now.
D: I think this is a great way to get things started.
G: It’s embarrassing.
D: Why? It’s a good way to get you feeling a little awkward
and yet curious about me. It implies you must be a least subconsciously
attracted to me, but won’t have you hitting on me in an unbelievable way. And it
brings up a conversation that’s awkward but flirty.
G: It’s also very high school of you.
D: Alright, enough with that. It’s my fantasy.
G: You’re right……. You are a great kisser.
D: Exactly. You should be more excited to make that
happen.
G: That is true. (slowly moves toward D)
D: I mean, that’s really why we are here isn’t it?
G: Indeed.
Pause. They look around a little awkward.
D: Sorry about that. Had to do a few things.
G: Now where were we?
D: Really I just wanted you to say that.
G: Why?
D: Because it’s sexy to hear. It means you didn’t change
your mind immediately. You still actually want to…. Um…
G: To what?
D: Well I don’t know. What do you want to do?
G: Well I was thinking of approaching you like this.
D: Oookkkkk
G: And then gently caressing my fingers through your hair.
D: Suurrre.
G: And then, I might just slowly lean in…
<They kiss>
D: That was nice.
G: Yeah?
D: Yeah.
G: Why can’t we do this in real life again?
D: Um I believe that is your fault right now. I’m just
trying to follow the rules of “if he’s interested he will pursue you” blah blah
blah. But I know you won’t. Because, hello. You don’t know how well I kiss yet.
G: Ha. You said yet.
D: I meant to say you don’t know how well I kiss… period.
G: But you didn’t.
D: Shut up.
G: (teasing - sing songy) You want to kiss me! You want
to hug me!
D: Well duh. That’s why we’re here. Where I can in fact
kiss and hug you in a safe space.
G: Sorry. It’s still funny since the real me probably has
NO CLUE you have imagined this. Like… really really.
D: Yeah I know. I’m a loser.
G: No. you’re not a loser. You’re great to make out with
and that’s my loss for not finding that out. If I never really find that out. But at least the me here,
gets to find out.
D: Thanks.
G: No problem.
(pause)
G: You’re hot.
D: Henh.
G: Hey. I wouldn’t say that.
D: I know. I just wanted to hear you say it.
G: You wanna make out for a while?
D: Yes please.
