little updates

I have a little bit of hope right now. Just a little… and it scares the hell out of me. I try hard not to have hope. Why? Because if things don’t go through – it devastates me.

Having hopes means having dreams. Which is scary. Dreams are very scary. I stopped overall dreaming a long time ago. Those have been crushed so many times I cant count.

And I know what you want to say. You want to say “nooo! It’s ok, they can still come true!” or “just alter them a little to fit your new lifestyle” or whatever. Yeah. No. some dreams… can’t come true. They just can’t. and others… well others im not even sure they are worth altering anymore.

But my current hope -  I would not say is based on dreams… cuz I don’t wanna dream. I just wanna get through some things. And so my hope is based on just not complete and utter failure. My hope is based more just simply on – I think I might be ok. I think I might be able to get through this.

And I think people might actually think I have talent. Like more than just a few good friends.

Im not talking a career or anything, but still.

And I think I might just have a little bit of sex appeal. In general I mean.

And I think that I might actually be a valuable part of a team where I can be productive and give suggestions and follow through on things. I mean I knew that, but still.

But despite all the stuff going on around me, all the stress and worry (of which there is a lot. Because I hate instability and honestly even change to a certain degree) im not feeling as bad as I could feel. And that’s nice, and refreshing.

I would like to forget more often what it is I’m stressing about, and I would like to get some more sleep (I’ve been terrible about sleep), but overall considering everything – my mood isn’t too bad. And that’s nice.

I’m aware that on the scale of updates this isn’t much, but I just felt the need to share it.