2017 in review

So we are coming to that time of the year for evaluations (my own of course), resolutions, gifts, candy, celebrations and heartbreaks.

It’s been an interesting year that has brought with it all sorts of things I would have never predicted last January. A lot actually. Good and bad, scary and exciting, and a lot of challenges. Which is good in the sense that I know it helps me grow, but I’m not gonna lie – I would like a more mellow 2018.

Here is the Christmas Letter -

This year has flown by so fast, it’s hard to believe the holidays are already here! It’s been a busy year with Family and Theater!

The year started out with me being asked to fill in a space on the Executive Board over at Pacifica Spindrift Players. They wanted me to help out with Fundraising. I said yes, and when election time came in June I actually ran and got voted on for 3 years! I could hardly believe it, but I’m excited to help out in this volunteer position at a community theater that I am so involved with.

I also got to be in 2 shows this year at the same theater! Becky’s New Car (which I had a minor roll in) and the classic – Father of the Bride – to which I got to actually play the bride! It was a blast working with such talented people (not to mention being able to wear a wedding dress over and over again!) and finishing off the year with such a touching and fun show!

I became a Grand Aunt for the first time in Feb. when my Nephew and his wife had my Grand Niece – Sierra. And she is too sweet! I got to travel down to LA for her baby blessing and see so much family.

I also got to spend niece week in Disneyland this year

with my niece thanks to season passes we got as gifts!

We got to do all sorts of things I had never done there

before! It was a wonderful experience.

FOTB

There is a lot on my mind today.

Yesterdays performance was very emotional for me.

“It was always you. No doubt. You were born to play this part. I think this is the best I have ever seen you.” - Debi

“I think this is the best thing I have ever seen you do.”

Not only was it emotional because lets be honest, a fun show is over where I was a lead, and there is always a big let down from that. Because you never know when that is coming again. You may never be a lead in a show ever again. You just never know. And because it’s so wonderful and huge to be a lead. All the work, all the responsibility, all the opportunities to story tell, to feel, to give, to play. I love it so much.

It was emotional because I really loved this group of people. not a diva in the group. So sweet, so supportive, so loving. So fun and funny, so professional. I got to hang out with my friends night after night. So many people I got to work with I had never worked with before and so many I just simply love so much.

It was emotional because I got to go on this crazy journey while having all these crazy amazing experiences with my current NCMO buddy (For lack of a better name right now) at the same time, making it all more intense wonderful and just…. Currently indescribable.

It was emotional because of what the story meant to me. It was just a little chance, however small and imaginary, that I got to live and have these moments with my dad that I will never have. I will never hear these words from my father – “a few months ago you were a little girl, and now you are a woman.” “I’ll be there holding your arm and nothing is going to happen.” The chance for him to see me in a wedding dress, to walk me down the isle. To be there in a tux ready to give me away. I won’t ever get to experience that. And it is something I have cried hard about long before this play was ever in my sights. It was something tender and precious to my heart.

My father is just one of those subjects that can get me crying much easier than anything else. I miss him so much. It’s the biggest hole in my life. And it won’t ever be filled. He will always be missing. And that’s just a part of my life.

So I knew immediately that doing this show would be an emotional journey. One that would be difficult, one that would break my heart every night, but also therapeutic in a way. A chance to tell my dear sweet papa I love him. It was an opportunity to give this sweet love letter to him and in a way to let the world know how very much he meant to me. How special our relationship was.

little updates

I have a little bit of hope right now. Just a little… and it scares the hell out of me. I try hard not to have hope. Why? Because if things don’t go through – it devastates me.

Having hopes means having dreams. Which is scary. Dreams are very scary. I stopped overall dreaming a long time ago. Those have been crushed so many times I cant count.

And I know what you want to say. You want to say “nooo! It’s ok, they can still come true!” or “just alter them a little to fit your new lifestyle” or whatever. Yeah. No. some dreams… can’t come true. They just can’t. and others… well others im not even sure they are worth altering anymore.

But my current hope -  I would not say is based on dreams… cuz I don’t wanna dream. I just wanna get through some things. And so my hope is based on just not complete and utter failure. My hope is based more just simply on – I think I might be ok. I think I might be able to get through this.

And I think people might actually think I have talent. Like more than just a few good friends.

Im not talking a career or anything, but still.

And I think I might just have a little bit of sex appeal. In general I mean.

And I think that I might actually be a valuable part of a team where I can be productive and give suggestions and follow through on things. I mean I knew that, but still.

But despite all the stuff going on around me, all the stress and worry (of which there is a lot. Because I hate instability and honestly even change to a certain degree) im not feeling as bad as I could feel. And that’s nice, and refreshing.

I would like to forget more often what it is I’m stressing about, and I would like to get some more sleep (I’ve been terrible about sleep), but overall considering everything – my mood isn’t too bad. And that’s nice.

I’m aware that on the scale of updates this isn’t much, but I just felt the need to share it.

Johnny Cash Kinda mood

I seem to be very contemplative today. I’m not positive what’s going on, I think it’s a big mixture of things going on in my life and in the world at large at the moment. 

The shooting in Vegas, earthquakes and disasters and such. 

I’m worried about my job. I’m worried about being let go. I’m worried about them transferring our location to somewhere really far from where I want to commute to and how that will effect my regular day. Because to be honest, work is not my life. It’s a means to an end. It’s what gives me the money to survive. But it isn’t what gives me the spirit to keep going. It just isn’t.

I’m worried about  M’s job. I’m worried about him losing it at any moment. About him not being made permanent. I’m worried about the fact that he’s going to get his brain zapped with magnets to help with his depression. I’m worried it will make things worse. 

I’m worried about taking care of M properly and feeding him and being gone so much with theater things. I know he gets lonely. 

I’m also trying to lose weight and kind of failing this time more than normal. My discipline is down because of stress. 

My lack of sleep is difficult to deal with on a constant basis. Some of it is my fault… some is not. 

My concern about mold and getting rid of stuff is always in the background. 

I worry about my car getting older and having issues, and car repairs. 

I worry about the fact that I might need a new bed and how much that costs. 

I worry about my weight and health in relation. 

I worry about being successful at the things I’m trying to accomplish at the theater. And getting back to people promptly. 

So…. I have a lot of worries. 

BUT –

I’m grateful for every day M is still here and alive and fighting. I’m very grateful to him, and to have him around. 

I’m grateful to still have a job and to work with several people I actually like. 

I’m grateful my car is still currently running. 

I’m grateful to have had really wonderful parents. 

I’m grateful for simple things – like…. Pumpkin everything.

I’m really grateful I have a major part in a show where I get to be a romantic lead – be kissed – wear a wedding dress – be called Pretty & Beautiful constantly by other characters (WHAT?! So weird….) – work with truly wonderful and talented people – and have something that distracts me from my stress on a almost nightly basis. I am EXTREMLY grateful for this. Because it’s making a lot of things easier to deal with. It gives me a place to play, fantasize, and forget everything that is going on in my life. A place to just focus on the moment. Be present. And when I allow myself to do that - to be really present, it goes way better. 

I’m also really grateful that currently – I have this bizarre opportunity to get some NCMO. I mean… seriously bizarre. Random. Who would have guessed? And it’s nice. And fun, and ego boosting. And also a VERY welcomed distraction from everything going on. 

It’s funny, because I understand that this kind of thing can be fleeting – like I told M. you never know how long this will last, so you should appreciate it while you can. So I’m trying to. I’m trying to enjoy it for what it is, and for the time I have it. And overall – I even think it’s just good for me (certainly M thinks it is.). It’s been a long time since I’ve had something like this in my life – where I feel like someone genuinely wants to kiss me, and is attracted to me, and is even willing to do little simple sweet things – to indulge me a little. It brings just a little hope into this world for me, that I can trust someone, connect with someone, with something intimate. It’s lovely to have. 

It’s nice to know that it’s not out of the realm of possibilities for me. I worry (and even know) that lots of certain things are over for me. Or that I won’t get them because I just view myself a certain way. So if people say I’m pretty or attractive – I simply DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. Like…. I really don’t. I just see all my physical faults – of which I feel I have many. So I can’t help but want to immediately challenge it. But I’ve been trying to be better about accepting the compliments. It’s just funny – if someone says your nice (I might blush BUT) I think “yeah…. That makes sense.” But if someone says to me – You’re pretty – my immediate reaction is - You’re wrong. Just wrong. Trust me I know. I know because for years I have tried to make something happen with many different men and it’s never happened. Therefore – I am extremely unattractive. I’m like a 3. I’m barely above not deformed. On the harsh scale of what is attractive. Like…. Hollywood scale anyway. Which feels like life scale to me. 

However, I am also aware that the majority of my attractiveness is not in my first looks (meaning when you first look at me), but in getting to know me. Like really truly. Most of the time when I have made out with someone, it’s because they have known me for a while. It was not a first time meeting or barely knowing me kind of thing. And so…. I think that’s another reason I tend to not believe it. 

Anyway, I got off track. The point is – it’s nice (no -  WONDERFUL.) to have someone to have some NCMO with. It’s a more than welcome distraction that comes along with doing a show. Both of those things are currently getting me through a lot right now. 

I’m trying to be grateful and not focus on that that is changing my life, that I can’t control. Which is a LOT honestly. So much is happening, and I can’t do anything about most of it. So lately, I’ve simply been trying not to think about it too much. Because worrying is not productive. It just brings on anxiety and stress. 

Johnny cash kinda mood

Anyhow. I guess that’s just where I am today. Lots of Johnny cash to fill my mood.

Dear Papa

Dear Papa,

 

If you can believe it, it’s been 10 years since you left. 10 very strange and sometimes surreal years. 

 

I miss you. Terribly. Every day. I miss you and want to talk to you. Hug you. Laugh with you. Tell you all about what new thing is happening to me. Show you my office, my apartment, introduce you to many new friends. And then they can know the amazing person you are too. It bothers me so much they don’t know you.

 

I see things like smart phones and technology you would have enjoyed exploring and learning about. You would absolutely have a smart phone. And you would have had one a while ago. Long before I did. The main reason I got one was because I knew you would have insisted.

Also, you would be pretty happy with how Captain America is such a thing. We would have seen all those movies together. 

 

You and the “rent a mob” would have come out to so many shows, and really loved them. I’ve longed to hear your laughter in the audience and let others know that distinctive boisterous laughter is my dad. I’d like to think I’ve passed on that tradition myself though, being a loud laugher. 

 

I thought of you so much when we were at the Serramonte theater with all the troubles we had with their lights. And that you would have been there, understanding the old system and helping update it for the new. Without expecting to be paid. You would have even enjoyed it’s challenges. Because that’s who you are. I thought of you so much during that show. 

 

And now, well now, this year, I’m going to be in Father of the bride. And guess what? I’m the bride. And somehow this is so poignant. Because it’s been 10 years since you have gone. I wish you could be here to see it. To somehow be a part of it. Because just reading some of the script and thinking of you, made me weepy. 

 

You would have been there when I had surgery. You and mom both would have been there waiting before and after. Would have helped me recover. I had wonderful people who were here for me because you couldn’t. Wonderful people who have been there for a lot of things.

And you would have told me to quit that job way sooner than I did. 

 

The house is gone. The station wagon is gone. A lot is gone honestly. I’ve tried, but there is just so much I can’t keep. I’ve tried so hard to keep what matters. Your flag sits in my living room. And the poster I have of you working, and one of your electrical blueprints is on my bedroom wall. And of course Gorbie is still in my closet. 

 

My life is broken up into different segments of significant time, but the biggest one that rules them all is honestly 10 years ago today. Before you died, and after. Everything changed, and all within a year. And by the end of the year I felt like I had been through some kind of war, and I still wasn’t sure if I could survive. Some days I’m still not.

 

I’ve changed and I haven’t. I’m certainly more of an adult, I’ve come to embrace many truths in life, and much of the hopefulness of my 20’s are long gone. I suppose that’s not to say I don’t have any hope, but it’s minimal; and focused. 

 

I wanted to be just like you when I was a child; actually, I still do. I wanted to grow up to be my dad. you were the one who when I was an infant could comfort me when I wailed and cried. And you were the only one who could bring me a sense of peace and comfort when I hugged you when I was older. You gave the gift of the safety of knowing it will all be ok. I have never truly had that kind of hug since. I don’t imagine I ever will.

 

I still try to be like you as much as I can. I try to laugh openly and freely, give good hugs, let people know they matter, be kind, try to be generous with others, not be afraid of being a little emotional now and then, dance to “if I were a rich man” (well ok I don’t really do that, but I do think of you and your jingling keys every time.), enjoy a little classical music and some mariachi music, allow myself to be foolish, and when I know you or mom would be at the occasion – make sure to make as much of an effort as I can to be at that occasion. Because in your absence I represent you. To so many people I still – 10 years later- represent you. I’m the last Collett here you see. The last left in the peninsula. The last of the 5 at least. 

 

I still have dreams about you and mom. You will be alive and I will be so confused. We will have conversations about you faking your death but you are back now and we talk, I’m frustrated but at least you are still here. And I wake up, and then I realize you aren’t, neither of you are. To be fair, it does seem to always be mom that has the idea to fake your death for whatever it’s worth. 

 

It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that it’s been a decade. A decade of missed conversations, choices, moments that I haven’t been able to share with you. I miss talking to you every day. Checking in on what the plan was for that day, and just generally being able to talk to you about whatever was on my mind. 

 

There are things I wanted and dreamed about as a young woman that now I simply cannot have. It’s just a fact, there is no escaping it. I can’t have it. And some days it seems cruel. I have uncontrollably wept for these moments that will never be. I know you can’t help that, but it still hurts. And sometimes it makes it difficult to be a part of things, or see these things I cannot have. But I try to not let that out if I can, because I don’t want to take these moments away from others. 

 

I honestly can’t possibly express all I’m feeling today. Just know that the grief is deep and unyielding. But I’ve tried to ride the waves of it instead of push against it. I’ve tried to be strong. Some days I’ve succeeded, others I have failed. And I’ve learned that’s just how it is.

I fully expect when the time comes for you to greet me. I expect to see you and hug you so tight I just can’t imagine letting go. I think you know this already though.

 

I miss you, I love you, and I can’t imagine not ever needing you.

 

All my love,

Your Sweet Angel.

July hit with a Bang

Well July has just come with a bang this year.  Far more eventful than I would like.

This is a thing I never understand when I watch movie or Tv shows and the character says “nothing exciting ever happens around here”. Why on earth would you want excitement? To me, most of the time, excitement = problems, conflicts, and even tragedy. So I like boring. I like things just going normal and fine, with some vacation here and there. But “excitement”? no thanks.

There have been a LOT of changes at work recently. But I’m not gonna go into that.

M’s Truck has seen better days and isn’t doing too awesome right now. But I’m also not gonna go into that.

Instead I’m just gonna focus on one story.

4^th of July started with it’s typical family festive events. My brother flew into town with my other brother driving up with my niece and nephew. And it was really normal. Playing volleyball for hours and just being with family. Different members of the family played (including my uncle rich who is over 75.) for just a little bit.

We then began playing the after dinner volleyball game, which traditionally most of the family comes and sits and watches. Cheering us on, or being the peanut gallery as it were. And uncle rich came to play on my team. And I was like “are you sure? Aww!” and gave him a big hug. He played for a bit. He played for a bit and then before you know it, he was jumping to hit the ball, slipped, and immediately went down, back and head first. With a bang.

I saw it start to happen and the second he was down I was basically immediately there by his side. Holding his hand and examining him. My brother was at the other side doing the same thing. My care taker / first aid instincts kicked in and I was in that mode all over again. As though no time has passed between the last time I had done it.

He started making a very pained noise, he looked very out of it and was confused. He clearly had had the wind knocked out of him, and was disoriented by the experience. And was starting to panic not understanding what was going on.

“We’re right here. Take it easy. Just try to breathe slowly when you can.”

It was the first time in a long time I saw how much of my mother was in him. The eyes, the hands, the noises he was making. I could see their relation very strongly in that moment and it was hitting me hard with feelings from the past. Times I have been through this with her. Maybe not exactly the same scenario, but… enough. More than enough. I was staying focused on him, but it was right there in front of my face.

We didn’t want to move him and told people to call 911. He tried to start to sit up and both me and my brother told him to just lay down for a little while. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. No need to get up just yet. Nobody is going anywhere.” He’s not one to want a fuss, so all the attention (from literally everyone there watching) was not helping. We tried to encourage the crowd to kind of mellow out, and they were not on top of us, but still.

I saw the look of grave concern and almost tears in Laura’s (his daughter) eyes. I know that look well. I was grateful my brother and I were there to assist and keep cool. And honestly, I know she was too.

He started to become more coherent. I asked him simple questions to test how he was feeling. He was very stubborn and wanted to sit up, so my brother and I very very slowly helped him do so. It was better than him fighting us and doing it himself. He insisted on telling 911 not to come, but thankfully it was too late for that. I was sure he had a concussion. He was insistent we take him to a chair to sit. We helped him, I asked a few more questions – are you nauseous? How’s your vision? Can you see this? That? And other things. Hugged him, told him I love him very much and the paramedics took over.

They didn’t put him on the gurney, but they did insist he go to the emergency room and get checked out. Which basically ended our evening. And ended it with this intensity. Which of course my uncle would not have wanted. (side note this whole event takes place at his house) but he was walking and leaving in a way that looked not too terrible. And he didn’t have much of a choice, we all told him he needed to go, and that if it was one of us – he would insist we go too.

Side note – he did have a concussion but is doing better. Mostly trying to take it easy.

It all just was a lot. I was worried about him. And the reality of it all was very strong when he left. Both his parents are gone – before I was even born. Both his sisters are gone. Dead from Diabetes. His brother currently is very unwell living with his wife in a care facility, and honestly we just never know how much time he has left. (It’s amazing he is still around really.) So he’s the last one left. The last one carrying on that group. And he’s still very alive, running his own company and living life with my aunt. He never seems like a fragile person. But then again – neither did my parents.

He changed a lot after my parents died. They were his best friends. So strangely in some ways, I think he would understand my grief about them better than my brothers. But he’s not one to talk too much about it. He’s not from a generation that does that.

We all said our goodnights, but It hit us hard. It hit me very hard. Made me think a lot about my mom. About those nights rushing into her room just sensing something was wrong, and being right. And then saving her. And then doing it all over again another night.

You just never know how many more 4^th of July’s there are. Which is more significant since the last one for my parents was when they were both alive, and we celebrated it on my birthday, that Saturday. By the next 4^th of July, they were both gone, and I was 30.

It was a lot. To think about. Especially with the 10-year anniversary coming up next month.

I’m grateful he’s still here. And I for sure want to tell him not to play volleyball anymore. Ones younger than him stopped playing years ago! But bless his spirit for playing. And bless him for giving us a place to come for that holiday for as long as I have been alive. I’m grateful I played volleyball with my brothers for as long as I did. That I got to spend time with family. And that I have them in my life.

Here’s to more drama free 4^th of July’s in the future. And a better summer.

Admin feelings

It’s not that I don’t want to do more for the office. I do. But really the motivation has to do with money and not with being an admin or my “love” of being an admin. 

Being an admin can be a suck job. You are the person who makes a lot of things flow and happen, but nobody really realizes it. You work in the shadows of making things come to fruition. 

But my concerns are these. I will take on this new stuff, go forward etc – and then I won’t get properly compensated for it. I will get a raise of like 2 grand or something (if that) and that will be the end of it. And I just can’t live on that. I just can’t. I’m just worried about how my pay is basically a joke (which is what john said. ) 

I don’t want to grow harder skin. 

I know I need to be better about tasks that are being given to me. I need to be more helpful (although most of the time I have no clue what people are talking about. Like “huh?” I don’t deal with money, so yeah, I cannot answer your question.)

I will not eat sugar. I will not eat sugar. 

I want a vacation. Not to anywhere really, just one with no responsibilities. Just for a bit. I need to escape my constant stream of anxiety. 

My room needs to be organized and cleaned and I need to get rid of stuff. Like… a LOT of stuff. STILL. And it kills me. I’m so frustrated about it all. 

I want a vacation AFTER I clean my room out properly. I want time to be able to ACTUALY do that which I don’t feel like I have as well, which is difficult. Every weekend I’m either super busy or super exhausted. It’s too much for me to handle. 

AND I feel like I need to be taking better care of M. I need to be feeding him better and doing good meal planning. 

Simply put I’m overwhelmed by all the things I feel like I should be doing, all the potential I SHOULD be living up to and not so far and it’s stressing me out and keeping me from going forward because I feel like I can’t tackle all these things. I’m burnt out. And I’m having a difficult time figuring out how to fix that right now.