Friday, December 30, 2016

End of year thoughts

Well it’s been an interesting year. Despite the fact that a lot of celebrities have died this year, it’s been a back and forth year for me of stupid and awesome. Mostly in the – You have to move / find a new place to live. You get to star in a show! LETS DO IT AT THE SAME TIME!!

Consequently some of the goals I had for the year got blasted away. I wanted to work out every week, but honestly dealing with the move and trying to unpack and all the stress with that (which was a LOT of stress) and then being in a new neighborhood and figuring out how to work out that way – has caused the work out once a week goal to just fail.

I did however get bullshot done which is great, and I’m excited to get barefoot done too. A little worried what the footage may be like, but hey.

The weight thing is my biggest disappointment right now. I feel & look huge. It’s awful. And I know it’s bad for me to yo-yo on weight so much. But the stress of this year and trying to cope with it has been intense. Consequently living as clean as I can fell by the wayside in a super huge way this holiday season and so I’m still trying to recover and stop that. Although I’m waiting till I get back from my trip to Disneyland to really shape up.

M and I now live alone together which most of the time is great, but does bring other stresses with it. One of them being – I basically do all the dishes most of the time. As well as – he hates my decorations but tolerates them, he wishes he was dating someone (which is kind of complicated living with me and having me in love with him…. Ugh), and have I mentioned HOW MUCH he does not care for my Christmas decorations?? There are great benefits though. Like – cuddles, hugs, support both finically and emotionally, companionship and someone who wants to share their day with me and vice versa. Someone I actually enjoy spending a lot of time with being available a lot.

I’ve missed my parents a lot this season. Don’t get me wrong, I normally do honestly, but it felt stronger this year. Partially I think because it’s been hard on M to have so many decorations in the living room, and that makes me sad and miss my family, and miss my dad who wore a Santa hat to work most of December. I don’t know if it’s because 10 years ago was my last Christmas with both of them.

I hate New years. Well, hate is a strong word, I don’t hate it, it’s just harder for me than a lot of holidays. It makes me wish I had someone at midnight to kiss, to maybe go to a party to and dress up for. It’s the stupid midnight kiss thing though that really bugs me. Such a bummer. And M most definitely does not want to kiss me at midnight. So I don’t know. I want to stay home, eat pizza, watch a movie and possibly play video games and check in on the ball now and then. I don’t think I want to be social. I would consider it if the gang a PSP was doing something…. But yeah.

It’s been nice though making better friends with some PSP people this year. That actually has been a cool bonus of the year. And hey I got to kiss 2 different boys. 1 for a play, 1 not! Even if the 1 not is gay…. It’s something. Sort of. It’s nice to have someone want to kiss you, even if they are gay and drunk.

I have better hopes for me personally in 2017. I hope to learn more about myself, get back on track with my weight and eating health, I hope to figure out more ways to cope with the dating issues that come up for M, I hope that maybe I will be in a show, I hope that I will get a reunion party for Barefoot. And honestly I hope to continue to become a better version of me. I know it’s dangerous to have hope, in fact having any hope scares me sometimes, but…. Well… we’ll see.

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