little updates

I have a little bit of hope right now. Just a little… and it scares the hell out of me. I try hard not to have hope. Why? Because if things don’t go through – it devastates me.

Having hopes means having dreams. Which is scary. Dreams are very scary. I stopped overall dreaming a long time ago. Those have been crushed so many times I cant count.

And I know what you want to say. You want to say “nooo! It’s ok, they can still come true!” or “just alter them a little to fit your new lifestyle” or whatever. Yeah. No. some dreams… can’t come true. They just can’t. and others… well others im not even sure they are worth altering anymore.

But my current hope -  I would not say is based on dreams… cuz I don’t wanna dream. I just wanna get through some things. And so my hope is based on just not complete and utter failure. My hope is based more just simply on – I think I might be ok. I think I might be able to get through this.

And I think people might actually think I have talent. Like more than just a few good friends.

Im not talking a career or anything, but still.

And I think I might just have a little bit of sex appeal. In general I mean.

And I think that I might actually be a valuable part of a team where I can be productive and give suggestions and follow through on things. I mean I knew that, but still.

But despite all the stuff going on around me, all the stress and worry (of which there is a lot. Because I hate instability and honestly even change to a certain degree) im not feeling as bad as I could feel. And that’s nice, and refreshing.

I would like to forget more often what it is I’m stressing about, and I would like to get some more sleep (I’ve been terrible about sleep), but overall considering everything – my mood isn’t too bad. And that’s nice.

I’m aware that on the scale of updates this isn’t much, but I just felt the need to share it.

Johnny Cash Kinda mood

I seem to be very contemplative today. I’m not positive what’s going on, I think it’s a big mixture of things going on in my life and in the world at large at the moment. 

The shooting in Vegas, earthquakes and disasters and such. 

I’m worried about my job. I’m worried about being let go. I’m worried about them transferring our location to somewhere really far from where I want to commute to and how that will effect my regular day. Because to be honest, work is not my life. It’s a means to an end. It’s what gives me the money to survive. But it isn’t what gives me the spirit to keep going. It just isn’t.

I’m worried about  M’s job. I’m worried about him losing it at any moment. About him not being made permanent. I’m worried about the fact that he’s going to get his brain zapped with magnets to help with his depression. I’m worried it will make things worse. 

I’m worried about taking care of M properly and feeding him and being gone so much with theater things. I know he gets lonely. 

I’m also trying to lose weight and kind of failing this time more than normal. My discipline is down because of stress. 

My lack of sleep is difficult to deal with on a constant basis. Some of it is my fault… some is not. 

My concern about mold and getting rid of stuff is always in the background. 

I worry about my car getting older and having issues, and car repairs. 

I worry about the fact that I might need a new bed and how much that costs. 

I worry about my weight and health in relation. 

I worry about being successful at the things I’m trying to accomplish at the theater. And getting back to people promptly. 

So…. I have a lot of worries. 

BUT –

I’m grateful for every day M is still here and alive and fighting. I’m very grateful to him, and to have him around. 

I’m grateful to still have a job and to work with several people I actually like. 

I’m grateful my car is still currently running. 

I’m grateful to have had really wonderful parents. 

I’m grateful for simple things – like…. Pumpkin everything.

I’m really grateful I have a major part in a show where I get to be a romantic lead – be kissed – wear a wedding dress – be called Pretty & Beautiful constantly by other characters (WHAT?! So weird….) – work with truly wonderful and talented people – and have something that distracts me from my stress on a almost nightly basis. I am EXTREMLY grateful for this. Because it’s making a lot of things easier to deal with. It gives me a place to play, fantasize, and forget everything that is going on in my life. A place to just focus on the moment. Be present. And when I allow myself to do that - to be really present, it goes way better. 

I’m also really grateful that currently – I have this bizarre opportunity to get some NCMO. I mean… seriously bizarre. Random. Who would have guessed? And it’s nice. And fun, and ego boosting. And also a VERY welcomed distraction from everything going on. 

It’s funny, because I understand that this kind of thing can be fleeting – like I told M. you never know how long this will last, so you should appreciate it while you can. So I’m trying to. I’m trying to enjoy it for what it is, and for the time I have it. And overall – I even think it’s just good for me (certainly M thinks it is.). It’s been a long time since I’ve had something like this in my life – where I feel like someone genuinely wants to kiss me, and is attracted to me, and is even willing to do little simple sweet things – to indulge me a little. It brings just a little hope into this world for me, that I can trust someone, connect with someone, with something intimate. It’s lovely to have. 

It’s nice to know that it’s not out of the realm of possibilities for me. I worry (and even know) that lots of certain things are over for me. Or that I won’t get them because I just view myself a certain way. So if people say I’m pretty or attractive – I simply DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. Like…. I really don’t. I just see all my physical faults – of which I feel I have many. So I can’t help but want to immediately challenge it. But I’ve been trying to be better about accepting the compliments. It’s just funny – if someone says your nice (I might blush BUT) I think “yeah…. That makes sense.” But if someone says to me – You’re pretty – my immediate reaction is - You’re wrong. Just wrong. Trust me I know. I know because for years I have tried to make something happen with many different men and it’s never happened. Therefore – I am extremely unattractive. I’m like a 3. I’m barely above not deformed. On the harsh scale of what is attractive. Like…. Hollywood scale anyway. Which feels like life scale to me. 

However, I am also aware that the majority of my attractiveness is not in my first looks (meaning when you first look at me), but in getting to know me. Like really truly. Most of the time when I have made out with someone, it’s because they have known me for a while. It was not a first time meeting or barely knowing me kind of thing. And so…. I think that’s another reason I tend to not believe it. 

Anyway, I got off track. The point is – it’s nice (no -  WONDERFUL.) to have someone to have some NCMO with. It’s a more than welcome distraction that comes along with doing a show. Both of those things are currently getting me through a lot right now. 

I’m trying to be grateful and not focus on that that is changing my life, that I can’t control. Which is a LOT honestly. So much is happening, and I can’t do anything about most of it. So lately, I’ve simply been trying not to think about it too much. Because worrying is not productive. It just brings on anxiety and stress. 

Johnny cash kinda mood

Anyhow. I guess that’s just where I am today. Lots of Johnny cash to fill my mood.