End of year thoughts

Well it’s been an interesting year. Despite the fact that a lot of celebrities have died this year, it’s been a back and forth year for me of stupid and awesome. Mostly in the – You have to move / find a new place to live. You get to star in a show! LETS DO IT AT THE SAME TIME!!

Consequently some of the goals I had for the year got blasted away. I wanted to work out every week, but honestly dealing with the move and trying to unpack and all the stress with that (which was a LOT of stress) and then being in a new neighborhood and figuring out how to work out that way – has caused the work out once a week goal to just fail.

I did however get bullshot done which is great, and I’m excited to get barefoot done too. A little worried what the footage may be like, but hey.

The weight thing is my biggest disappointment right now. I feel & look huge. It’s awful. And I know it’s bad for me to yo-yo on weight so much. But the stress of this year and trying to cope with it has been intense. Consequently living as clean as I can fell by the wayside in a super huge way this holiday season and so I’m still trying to recover and stop that. Although I’m waiting till I get back from my trip to Disneyland to really shape up.

Christmas letter 2016

Dear Ones,                                                                                        Dec. 2016

The end of 2016 is here, and time to recall the years events.

In late 2015 I learned that our landlord was going to sell the house I and my roommates were living in, so we were on the hunt for a new home. In the process I lost 2 roommates, but kept 1! It was quite the stressful experience, but at the end of March we found 2 great places that both wanted us! We ended up choosing a place in Millbrae that is a 2 bedroom apartment, and ironically almost right behind the apartment complex I used to live in when I was in Millbrae before.

This year I got cast in Barefoot in the Park by Neil Simon as the Lead – Corie Bratter! We performed in April (yes, while the move was going on) at Pacifica Spindirft Players. It was wonderful, and so so much work. I have never had to memorize so many lines in my life! I could not believe how much that girl talked! I had a total blast though, and am now editing the recorded footage to create a DVD for the cast and those who want a copy.

This year marked 20 years since I graduated from high school. And while I did not have an official High School reunion, I did attend a few events that felt like it. One was a party some friends threw as a reunion for their high school band, and another was a memorial service for my high school drama teacher. I got to see lots of faces I had not seen in years, and it was lovely to reconnect and reminisce.

I also got to go to Disneyland this year for the first time in 2 years! My brothers and I went and celebrated sibling day (even made up buttons at town hall)! It’s nice to revive some old traditions and spend time with family.

Thanks for being a part of my life, and as always, may your Christmas be full of love, joy, and peace. And may your New Year be blessed with new friends, new adventures, and new ways to find happiness.

As always, I’m a lamp

                                                                                                                                                                                Feb 3, 2016

I know that these current feelings are being spurred on by stress. That’s the bottom line of this story. But regardless, it’s still happening. I can’t seem to stop the train. It’s emotionally wrecking me right now. But I’ve got to stop that. Or at least deal with my problems/depression better for M’s sake.

Anyway, I naturally have been comparing myself to other women’s bodies as of recent. (Well I always do, but it’s been a focus lately.) And not even other women in the media, but women I see and know in real life. (Namely women at the theater.) And I just can’t help but feel fat and unattractive compared to them. Especially coupled with my talent level (I can’t sing or dance, or even flirt well), and the fact that I have put on some holiday weight which is terribly difficult to get off (because hello I’m 37). I really would like to lose 10 pounds before the show opens and 1 inch off my waist (so some pants are wearable again for the show). But who knows if I will be able to do it. Although my current discouragement has been helping kill my appetite. Since I know I can’t eat any of my comfort foods anyway.

So I look at these women who have cute shapely hips and a tiny waist and lovely skin with big grins and nice hair and I just feel so…. Inadequate. Like – “who on earth would ever be even remotely attracted to me, when there is that out there?” And of course the answer is…. “No one is you dummy.” And it’s not even a new answer. It’s an old answer I’m used to dealing with. I just hate the answer is all. Because no matter how hard I work, I can’t seem to change the freaking answer.

I don’t know what I was thinking… Actually I do. I was just wanting a little… wanting. A little flirting. A little ego boost to my stressful situation. Someone who might have thought I was a little bit cool or maybe even a smidgeon cute and just showed a bit of interest so I could feel good about myself. At least for a little bit of time.  So that sweet serotonin could get me though some of this moving nonsense.

I learned a very simple but obvious fact years ago. A sign that most women don’t recognize. It’s this: if the guy isn’t asking any questions about you – he just isn’t interested. If you ask things and talk to him, and he talks back, but just does not seem interested in continuing the conversation – he just isn’t interested. And there you go. He’s not attracted to you.

I’m a lamp all over again. And I hate how that feels.

I seem to be an acquired taste. It’s basically never upon first meeting me that I am found interesting or awesome. It always seems to be after years (or at least a year) of knowing me. It’s because on a superficial level I’m not interesting, but on a deeper level I am.

But it is what it is. I can’t change it. M says now I need to be either mysterious or easy. That’s the only other 2 methods to get the attention of men. And I hate that he’s right. Because I’m not either of those things. So what it means is – I need to be cool with being a lamp.

M said a wall, but I would rather be a lamp. They do a good job making the other girls look pretty.

Anyway I’m just feeling low this morning because of all this. Well, this, the move, and my parents being dead. But why focus on those other things and be overdramatic….