November Thoughts

So, I feel the need to vent some of my thoughts and concerns that are constantly in my head at the moment. The kinds of thoughts and concerns I don’t want to vent to everyone, so ironically I will do it here on my blog.

Why here? Where theoretically the entire world can see it? Well, the entire world won’t see it first of all - since no one really reads my blog. And because in many ways this has become my journal. At least my way to keep track of some months passing (although I missed October sadly because of how busy I was with Bullshot. Update to come for that.) , and if nothing else, it is for me to reflect on later.

So recently I got cast in Barefoot in the park. Wait a minute let me re-says this. I GOT CAST AS THE LEAD IN BAREFOOT IN THE PARK. This made me smile and make silly noises on the way home from callbacks. (yes, after callbacks. They finished callbacks and posted a piece of paper with the names on it right there!!)

I am super excited about this. It’s a big deal. It’s a big deal part. I mean, she is on stage almost the entire time. AND it’s not a high school play production – it’s at PSP (granted it’s not at ACT or even Palo Alto players or something) BUT STILL. It’s a director I have not worked with before and I really just was not sure if I would get it. But I wanted it.

I wanted it so much that not only did I get the play from the library to read, BUT I even recorded the lines to listen to while doing my workouts until the callback. Which I never do. I only do that after getting the part. But that’s how much I wanted it. I wanted it so much I was hoping NOT to get cast in anything else so I could really focus on it.

I have to say though, part of me was scared about getting it. I have to take my shirt off onstage… yep… my shirt… off…. Yep… theoretically I have to argue in my slip (I really hope we can do it so I argue in my full slip. Otherwise I am just not comfortable arguing in underwear. And luckily the script does not specify.) and there are a TON (approx. 562) lines to memorize. A LOT. Can I carry a show? Can I memorize all those lines? Am I that interesting to watch? Will the audience be tied into watching me? These are huge questions.

And the some of my ego sets in – “someone thinks you can. In fact, several people think you can. Hopefully you will get the last bow. Someone thinks you look like a young newlywed. Someone thinks that you can be the romantic lead in a show. That you look right paired up with a guy 10 years your Jr and isn’t bad looking himself (with that suit… wow). Keep this in mind. Several people believe in you.”

Also – it means I get to kiss a cute boy on stage again. J Nice.

So, I got the part. I am super excited.

But I was very worried about telling M. Why? Because I know he thinks I’m being irresponsible taking this part when theoretically we are supposed to be moving. So the timing sucks. Like really sucks. And our move is scary. I mean, I am genuinely worried that we won’t find a place to live that we can actually afford. 2 bedroom apartments are not easy to come by. And we can’t afford to buy a home either. Although I REALLY wish we could. That would be wonderful.

So of course he is scared that I won't be able to handle the move or do the things that need to get done before then. Honestly, I’m not as worried about the packing as I am just finding a place to live. In general. As in - I’m worried we will be homeless.

I figure the week of the move I can take a week off work. Spend the time doing extra packing etc. to get ready for the big day. And worst case scenario we have to couch hop and I get a storage space. I hope that won’t be the case, but I’m worried it will. Not ideal.

I’m still not sure yet if we want to have a roommate to theoretically increase our chances of finding something affordable, which it may or may not do. I am scared. And the timing is terrible. Being in the middle of a show I’m starring in with hell week WHILE MOVING sounds like a terrible plan. If I were him I would be worried too.

Plus part of the reason he is worried is because he really does not want to do the leg work of looking for a place. Because the bottom line is this – I take care of M. I just do. And he can’t handle the non-sense of looking for a new place to live. And I want to do my best to provide a place that is as stable as possible. A place that we won’t be booted out of in less than 5 years at least. Ideally we would buy a place, but I just don’t see that happening.

So it’s the fact that I gotta run the show while I run the show. I know he gets lonely when I am in plays as well. He has to pick up the boys from work and he just does not have a lot of people to hang out with. So me doing 2 shows a year for him is a lot. And he felt like these were back to back… which is not true in the least. Months and months apart. As will this be. So I worry about that aspect as well.

However he supportive of me doing shows since he knows it’s good for me. I’m in a better mood and it helps me feel a bit better about myself. He knows that that is important to my welfare. I think it’s more the timing than anything else he is upset about. And he misses me.

So, that’s the good and bad of it. I’m hoping doing the show will help me deal with the stress of moving.  And I’m hoping someone is looking out for me and helping me find the right place to live with M. He and I both need this win. In a big way.

A lot of what will make this better is doing a lot of pre-planning. Packing early on, getting rid of as much as I can handle by donating or selling. NOT decorating for spring. Honestly I may just not decorate after Christmas. I might just start packing up whatever I can after that and figuring out what can get sold. I may be losing some pieces I really love, but we need space M and I, and I need to work on not being selfish. Or figuring out a budget where I have a storage space.

Ugh. Moving sucks. And I kind of wish we were doing it thanksgiving weekend instead of the spring just to get it over with. I don’t like things like this looming over me.

But hooray for being cast as Corie! J