Feb
3, 2016
I know that these current
feelings are being spurred on by stress. That’s the bottom line of this story.
But regardless, it’s still happening. I can’t seem to stop the train. It’s
emotionally wrecking me right now. But I’ve got to stop that. Or at least deal
with my problems/depression better for M’s sake.
Anyway, I naturally have
been comparing myself to other women’s bodies as of recent. (Well I always do,
but it’s been a focus lately.) And not even other women in the media, but women
I see and know in real life. (Namely women at the theater.) And I just can’t
help but feel fat and unattractive compared to them. Especially coupled with my
talent level (I can’t sing or dance, or even flirt well), and the fact that I have put on some holiday weight
which is terribly difficult to get off (because hello I’m 37). I really would
like to lose 10 pounds before the show opens and 1 inch off my waist (so some
pants are wearable again for the show). But who knows if I will be able to do
it. Although my current discouragement has been helping kill my appetite. Since
I know I can’t eat any of my comfort foods anyway.
So I look at these women
who have cute shapely hips and a tiny waist and lovely skin with big grins and
nice hair and I just feel so…. Inadequate. Like – “who on earth would ever be
even remotely attracted to me, when there is that out there?” And of course the
answer is…. “No one is you dummy.”
And it’s not even a new answer. It’s an old answer I’m used to dealing with. I
just hate the answer is all. Because no matter how hard I work, I can’t seem to
change the freaking answer.
I don’t know what I was thinking…
Actually I do. I was just wanting a little…
wanting. A little flirting. A little ego boost to my stressful
situation. Someone who might have thought I was a little bit cool or maybe even a smidgeon cute and just showed a bit of interest so I could feel good
about myself. At least for a little
bit of time. So that sweet serotonin
could get me though some of this moving nonsense.
I learned a very simple
but obvious fact years ago. A sign that most women don’t recognize. It’s this:
if the guy isn’t asking any questions about you – he just isn’t interested. If
you ask things and talk to him, and he talks back, but just does not seem
interested in continuing the conversation – he just isn’t interested. And there you go. He’s not attracted
to you.
I’m a lamp all over again.
And I hate how that feels.
I seem to be an acquired
taste. It’s basically never upon first meeting me that I am found interesting
or awesome. It always seems to be after years (or at least a year) of knowing
me. It’s because on a superficial level I’m not interesting, but on a deeper
level I am.
But it is what it is. I
can’t change it. M says now I need to be either mysterious or easy. That’s the
only other 2 methods to get the attention of men. And I hate that he’s right.
Because I’m not either of those things. So what it means is – I need to be cool with being a lamp.
M said a wall, but I would
rather be a lamp. They do a good job making the other girls look pretty.
Anyway I’m just feeling
low this morning because of all this. Well, this, the move, and my parents
being dead. But why focus on those other things and be overdramatic….
