I can’t really explain it, but I’ve not been in the best of moods lately.
Well,
I suppose I can guess as to the many reasons why I feel this way right now, but
I can’t pin down exactly what it is that seems to be under my skin. I need to
be counting my blessings, not be disgruntled about other things.
For
one (and this is a reason I hate using, but the reality is it does affect my
hormones, which are a part of what affects one’s emotions.) my Lady time
started recently. So my guess is, it has my emotions swinging about. I view
this as just an amplifier. Making all the emotions I have normally, more crazy.
I’m
working hard on losing weight. Genuinely hard. I have cut out sugar, except
from fruit. I don’t even put juice in my smoothies anymore. Not that I consumed
sugar all the time, but still. This is not an easy thing to do by any means
from someone who loves sugar as much as I do. And I’m sure I am going through
sugar withdrawal. It’s really hard to resist that piece of cake, or those
chocolate covered samples of whatever at the store. But I have been. It feels
like forever, but I think it’s only been about 2 weeks.
I’m
working out more which is good, but also tiring. And whenever I’m not on track
the whole time, I kinda beat myself up pretty hard about it. Likewise I am
beating myself up about being as overweight as I am, and that my belly is not
getting smaller. I just think to get my belly the way I want, I may have to
work at this for 3 years or so, really hard. M put that thought in my head, and
I don’t think he’s wrong.
I’ve
been a little grumpy with people lately. M’s son got a little of that the other
day. I felt bad about it later. It came out differently than I meant it to. And
honestly I’m such a nice person normally, that it was very out of character. I’m
still feeling bad about it.
Yesterday
– August 2nd- was the anniversary of my father’s passing. Which of
course brings up all kinds of feelings. Anger, sadness, etc. I thought about
how I still have 3 of his suits in my closet that I can’t bring myself to get
rid of. How I have clothing in M’s closet I can’t seem to get rid of.
It
also brought up the condo I wanted to buy so badly, and how even with a big
down payment, I still could not buy it without having a job that paid $20 an
hour. Which I STILL don’t have. And how that means I will never be able to buy
a place in the bay area. I let go of so much letting go of that house. Never
being able to have a home of my own, never raising a family there, probably
never having children, and more than likely, never getting married. It’s a lot
to embrace when it’s what you wanted from such a young age.
And
missing my dad just got to me Sunday morning and I ended up crying in the
kitchen. M hugged me, and when my other housemate came downstairs (we will call
him Jar since his name starts with an M as well) he came up from behind and
hugged as well, which was very touching and sweet. Not a typical occurrence in our
home. But so nice that it happened.
I
still feel kind of disgruntled. I spent waaaay too much money on candles last
night. More than I had planned honestly. But I was buying gifts (which granted
took up maybe about a quarter of the cost of it all, but still. I should not be
spending so much money on candles. Despite my love of them. And despite the
fact that I am running lower on certain ones. I really just wanted to refill
for seasons other than Christmas and the fall, which is what the majority of them
are.
I
should have done things with M sooner in the day and did not. I just feel like
I failed all over the place this weekend. I think the bottom line is – I’m more
disappointed in myself for not being better. For not making more money. For not
being thinner and healthier. For not being stronger. I need to sell more things
on the side and make more money.
My
anxiety seems to be taking a roller coaster approach to life right now as well.
I can’t fully explain why, but I seem to be so worried about everything. I’m
pretty over this sensation. But it just seems to keep going.
I
suppose part of the lesson in all of this is I need to forgive myself more. I
don’t know though, I’m pretty annoyed I felt the need to spend so much money
and that I haven’t been as nice as I should be, and that I haven’t lost more
weight by now.
I
will say though, I’m glad I have not spent time escaping into food like I would
normally. Mostly sweets. It’s good I’m holding back on that. I did have a
hamburger though, and that was nice and tasty. No mayo or ketchup. Just burger,
tomato, bun. I’m trying to be low fat as well, and have almost no carbs, but
this I just kind of needed.
I’m
hoping for a better week this week. We start rehearsals for bullshot, and I am
looking forward to that. It should be a lot of fun. I just want to get my lines
down ASAP. I suppose I’m putting needless pressure on myself. Nothing is on
fire. I need to stop freaking out about every little thing right now.
