FOTB

There is a lot on my mind today.

Yesterdays performance was very emotional for me.

“It was always you. No doubt. You were born to play this part. I think this is the best I have ever seen you.” - Debi

“I think this is the best thing I have ever seen you do.”

Not only was it emotional because lets be honest, a fun show is over where I was a lead, and there is always a big let down from that. Because you never know when that is coming again. You may never be a lead in a show ever again. You just never know. And because it’s so wonderful and huge to be a lead. All the work, all the responsibility, all the opportunities to story tell, to feel, to give, to play. I love it so much.

It was emotional because I really loved this group of people. not a diva in the group. So sweet, so supportive, so loving. So fun and funny, so professional. I got to hang out with my friends night after night. So many people I got to work with I had never worked with before and so many I just simply love so much.

It was emotional because I got to go on this crazy journey while having all these crazy amazing experiences with my current NCMO buddy (For lack of a better name right now) at the same time, making it all more intense wonderful and just…. Currently indescribable.

It was emotional because of what the story meant to me. It was just a little chance, however small and imaginary, that I got to live and have these moments with my dad that I will never have. I will never hear these words from my father – “a few months ago you were a little girl, and now you are a woman.” “I’ll be there holding your arm and nothing is going to happen.” The chance for him to see me in a wedding dress, to walk me down the isle. To be there in a tux ready to give me away. I won’t ever get to experience that. And it is something I have cried hard about long before this play was ever in my sights. It was something tender and precious to my heart.

My father is just one of those subjects that can get me crying much easier than anything else. I miss him so much. It’s the biggest hole in my life. And it won’t ever be filled. He will always be missing. And that’s just a part of my life.

So I knew immediately that doing this show would be an emotional journey. One that would be difficult, one that would break my heart every night, but also therapeutic in a way. A chance to tell my dear sweet papa I love him. It was an opportunity to give this sweet love letter to him and in a way to let the world know how very much he meant to me. How special our relationship was.